Well people, it’s tuesday again and as usual it’s that second working day of the week where we talk on all things sex.
Last week was awesome as usual with Isaac Dachen giving you more reasons to whip out your dong, get under the sheets and get sweaty…with our significant half. This week I,
Joey, am here to share topics of what to discuss with your partner before you make it past foreplay and into glorious orga.
Is your sex great? Or it’s too overwhelming between the sheets?
Perhaps it’s getting plain awkward down there and you’re seeking for a
bit of spark in your ‘alone’ moment. When you and your partner become
intimate, ultimately great sex is the goal — we get that. But before you
hit the lights there are a few topics the two of you should cover,
together, if you want to minimize your chances of an awkward moment in
bed. Knowing each other’s desires, preferences, and sexual past is key
in starting things off on the right foot. Here’s some great advice from
trusted sexperts on how to get there.
Talk Fantasies, Fetishes, and Desires
Before you laugh, listen up. “Couples should definitely discuss fantasies and fetishes,” says
Abiola Abrams, sex and relationships guru and creator of
Abiola’s Passionista Playbook.
“When you’re in the bed it may be too surprising to spring your furry
fetish on your partner at that moment. Things like oils and lotions and
potions are pretty standard. Those don’t really require discussion. But
if you are a bondage queen or secret dominatrix, give your partner a
heads up.”
It’s not uncommon for many men and women to feel embarrassed when the topic of pleasure toys comes up, but
Twanna A. Hines, sex educator, and founder of
FunkyBrownChick.com,
says they can be the cure for a sex life that’s gone stale. “Toys
aren’t just for tots,” she reveals. “Especially in long-term
relationships, sex can begin to feel routine. From simple lotions to
furry handcuffs, fun accessories help turn the heat up.”
Never underestimate your lover’s bedroom interests. “When people say
‘sex,’ they often think of vaginal intercourse,” says Hines. “Anal and
oral sex also count. Are you game for all three? Is your partner?
Discussing what’s on the table when it comes to sex helps clarify
boundaries.”
Discuss Your Sexual History and Future Plans
Remember in secondary school class when your teacher warned that when
you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever
had sex with? As disgusting as it sounded back then, the truth is, they
were right. “You need to know a person’s sexual history upfront –
diseases, genders of partners, and testing history,” says Abrams. “If
someone has not cleared STD testing within the past six months then
their results are not current.”
Don’t leave it up to your partner to look out for your best
interests. Hines reminds us that the job is yours and yours alone. Be
proactive, always. “Your sexual health is your responsibility,” she
cautions. “What you don’t know might harm you.”
It’s okay to start fresh together. Abrams insists that the experience
can be more beneficial than you might expect and “when you two go and
get tested together it can be an awkwardly fun adventure.” It’s
certainly one that ends with you both feeling great about having a clean
slate and putting your health first – essentially a win-win situation.
Family planning is also an important part of any pre-sex discussion,
and Hines suggests you also “talk to your partner about using birth
control methods too.” Nothing is more uncomfortable than dealing with an
unplanned pregnancy before either of you are truly ready to become
parents.
Make Sure You’re Exclusive
Could your lover have another? Like it or not, not everyone’s definition
of a committed relationship is the same. Hines cautions women to never
assume exclusivity in a sexual relationship. She suggests being upfront
and asking your partner if they’re dating or married to someone else.
“Having straight-forward conversations about whether or not you’re
sexually exclusive reduces confusion,” adds Hines.
Swap Calendars
You like it in the mornings, but they‘re more of a night owl. You’re
comfortable having sex three times a week, but your partner’s more like a
three-times-a-month guy. Abrams says knowing and sharing your sex
schedules is the key to a successful and rewarding sex life you’ll both
be proud of. “Your sexual calendars can be different. You can be on
different sexual frequencies. This is good to know because a nighttime
person can take a morning sex rejection personally, but he needs to know
that at night you turn into a vixen.”
Be Open About Your Sexual Secrets
Sexual history is important and sometimes it includes more than test
results and exposure to STDs. “Unfortunately a large percentage of
African American woman and men have experienced different forms of
sexual trauma and abuse,” says Abrams. “In order to have healthy sexual
expression in the bedroom, it’s a good idea that partners are honest
about what has happened to them. The good, the bad, and the ugly.”
But how do you approach such a touchy subject, you’re wondering?
“It’s best for partners to initiate this conversation one-on-one in
private, out of the bedroom, in a safe space,” advises Abrams. “You can
begin by letting your partner know that you have something serious to
discuss with them and that you feel uncomfortable about the conversation
but want to be honest. Acknowledging the discomfort is always helpful
in any serious conversation.”
Do your best to push past the awkwardness and get through your story.
The conversation will bring you closer. Still unsure? “If you feel
uncomfortable having sexual conversations or revealing your sexual past
then you shouldn’t be having sex with them,” warns Abrams.
